In the Memory of Paul Harvey - You'll Soon Know The Rest Of The Story

I felt this blog was the appropriate place to write this "I remember" piece, although I never thought I would have the need to tell it. Looking back, It's not something I am proud of, just so you know, I am having a hard time with this. I have had ever since the moment David called me a day or so after Christmas.  I won't say more about how that went. Suffice it to say, it's not a place I ever want any of us to be in.

I'm 70 years old slowly being killed by cancer...physically and mentally.  I don't need any lectures or any discussion of why things happened the way they did.  They just did and that's that... right or wrong... over 30 years ago.  I have never intentionally ever done anything to purposely hurt any of you, ever.  I'm obviously a flaw in the works. 

Unlike Paul Harvey, you'll read what I remember or recall about the beginning of the story.  A story and topic I never expected to have with Cooch/Carol/your mom, or any of my kids.

I seem to remember this all starting in early 1986, on a Sunday morning.  Seriously.  I was at St John's church in Dover, NH coffee hour social after the service.  Tina and Rebecca were not with me and I don't recall if David and Sara were with me or not.  They may have been since that was just after being reunited with them.  I'm thinking the lady I met at coffee hour, Diana F (not sure of her last name spelling), may have had a couple kids there too.  Nothing special, probably started chatting because we were both there with kids.  That was it ... I left (I meaning me and anyone that might have been with me).

Upon getting to the car, Diana came to the car, handing me a small piece of paper with her phone number on it and said "call me sometime". I don't recall the details other than that and that I did call her later that afternoon.  To spare us all from the details, this is not a "50 Shades of Black" story, more like "what else is under my dark cloud".  I don't remember how long of a time we were connected ... I think just a few months.  I recall very few details of any of that time ...

• I recall a picture of Diana and her kids at Waterside Lane once with her wearing a yellow rain jacket.  I think we gave her and the kids some clothes ... don't recall where they came from.
• I have no recollection of anything we did or anyplace we might have gone out to.
• I recall talking on the phone late at night a few times and driving to her apartment in Dover in the late hours of the night.
• I don't recall for how long we kept up this type connection or how it ended.  I seem to recall a conversation about someone she had previously dated or lived with, maybe in San Francisco.  There are no other details.

As quick as the connection began, it was over and we moved on to our separate ways, until Diana called a few months later and asked if we could meet. I remember few of the details of that meeting ...

• Diana was dressed in what appeared to be a maternity top and told me that she was pregnant and she thought it was a good possibility I was the father.
• She was with someone else (I think the person she may had previously gone out with or lived with).  No idea who, certainly not a name.  She intended on keeping the child and move on with her life and wanted to without me.
• She had papers she had had drawn up by an attorney that would give up any parental rights I may have had.  She said I would not hear from her again and there was nothing else we had to do.
• I signed and agreed to move on away from her.  

That was the last time I ever saw or talked to Diana.  I lived up to my agreement, which is what she requested and we were both able to move on, our own separate ways.  I never knew if I really was the father or not, nor did I know if she had a boy or girl.  That is until David called me about a week ago, It now appears apparently she had a boy and I was the biological father.  Of course, now I am being looked upon as the schmuck, asked about cheating, what other details there are, and what I was going to do.  Maybe I am a schmuck, but I NEVER wanted that to be the way it is, NEVER tried to do things that hurt anyone, and NEVER expected to have this conversation or to even document these facts, as I remember them.

Now I am lost and feel like I'm in a whirlpool.  I've obviously screwed up many things in my life, but I also tried to be a good person and to help others succeed. I'm not sure where to go now, and I don't wish to discuss options or opinions with anyone.  This is a situation that happened over 30 years ago or whenever it was and we were all fine up until a week ago, except for maybe what Christopher is thinking.  My agreement was with his mother, not him, and looking back, perhaps he is the one that has been hurt most, although, I never ever thought if it that way.  

I'm now just a guy literally trying to stay alive, to beat this cancer rat bastard within me, and to makeup for all my lifelong short comings that I seem to be reminded of more and more since my retirement.  More of a schmuck than I ever knew I was.  I thought things were better than they really were.  Sorry I let you all down.  I'm sorry I let this situation go the way it went, but I did what I was asked and at the moment, seemed like the right thing to do.  Maybe I'm the only one that feels that way, well, Diana appeared to think that way too at some point.

My medical condition has given me pause and caused me to look at things from Christopher's position.  I hope he had a good upbringing and understands although I walked away when I was asked, it was NEVER his fault and NEVER my intent to put him in a situation looking for his biological dad ... if he ever was or felt like something was missing.  I'm sorry.  I am also sorry to all of you.

I will ensure my medical records are available to him should he ever want them, and other things he may now want for now.  Please, let this be a close hold for all of you.  No more digging or answers are needed.  No more discussions.  That's all I have.